Dial-Up for Submarines: A Definitive Ranking of the Strangest Machines Running Internet Explorer
You've seen the memes. You've heard the rumors. But the truth is stranger than any tweet: Internet Explorer is quietly powering some of the most critical — and most bizarre — machines in the United States. We've compiled the definitive ranking, from "mildly concerning" to "please do not touch anything."
10. The Airport Departures Board That Trusts IE with Your Vacation
Somewhere in an American airport right now, a flight information display is rendering your gate change in IE compatibility mode. It works because it has always worked, and the one IT contractor who understands it retired to Florida in 2019. If the board goes down, staff will print your gate on paper. Honestly, an upgrade.
9. The Hotel Check-In Kiosk From the Bush Administration
That lobby kiosk asking you to confirm your reservation? Underneath the touchscreen interface sits a version of IE so old it predates the iPhone. The kiosk vendor went out of business, the source code is on a CD in a storage unit, and the front desk manager has been instructed to "just restart it."
8. The Gas Station Pump with a Support Contract Older Than You
Fuel dispensers running embedded Windows have been spotted in the wild, and some of their management consoles lean on IE components. The logic is bulletproof: the pump has worked every day since 2004, so clearly nothing needs to change, including the browser.
7. The Hospital Imaging Console
Medical equipment is certified for years at a time, and recertifying a million-dollar MRI machine for a new browser costs more than just... not doing that. So the machine that photographs the inside of your body may well be rendering your scan results in a browser Microsoft retired. The scans are fine. Probably.
6. The State Government Permit Portal
You didn't think we'd get through this list without a DMV-adjacent entry, did you? Several state and municipal systems have historically required IE — sometimes literally refusing to function in anything else. Renewing a business license has been a IE-only activity in more than one jurisdiction, because the forms were built in 2003 and the person who built them is a legend.
5. The Factory Floor HMI That Runs the Line
Human-machine interfaces — the panels operators use to control manufacturing equipment — frequently run embedded Windows with IE-based dashboards. Updating one means halting production, recertifying the whole line, and explaining to a plant manager why the thing that makes money needs to stop making money for a week. The line keeps running on IE. The line always keeps running on IE.
4. The Vending Machine With an Opinion About Compatibility Mode
Yes, vending machines. Modern smart vending units run embedded Windows, and teardown photos have revealed IE components in their management interfaces. Somewhere in an office park, a snack dispenser is complaining about ActiveX controls while you wait for your Doritos.
3. The ATM
The classic. ATMs have historically run Windows XP and IE-based interfaces, because banking regulators certify systems and nobody wants to recertify the money machine. The result: the device guarding your life savings may be running the same browser you used to check NeoPets. It's secure, they assure us. They assure us a lot.
2. The Naval Vessel Display, Allegedly
Reports over the years have suggested that various military and maritime systems have relied on Windows and IE-based interfaces. Details are, understandably, classified. What we can say is that the phrase "Internet Explorer on a warship" has circulated in defense IT circles for years with a tone that is only about 60% joking.
1. Whatever Your Company Is Hiding
The number one entry isn't in this list because it's in yours. Every reader knows about that one internal tool — the intranet portal, the legacy ordering system — that only works in IE mode. You've asked about updating it. You've been told it's "on the roadmap." The roadmap is a sticky note. The sticky note is fading.
The Common Thread
Why does this happen? Because in enterprise America, "if it works, don't touch it" isn't a saying — it's a compliance framework. Every one of these machines stays on IE for the same reason: the cost of change is measured in millions, and the cost of staying is measured in nothing, until suddenly it's measured in everything.
Until then, the spinner spins. Godspeed, little blue 'e'. You've seen things.